As a father, I cannot deny the possibility that my son can be a bully or will be bullied in school. As I saw him grow in his pre-school years, I already taught him that hurting other kids is not the right way to be respected nor to gain true friends. Teaching him this value started when he learned to play with his cousins. My son is taller than most kids. He got this from his Mom. And the more he grew, the more I emphasized to him that being bigger or taller than other kids does not mean he is ahead of them in character. I taught him to be fair, friendly and responsible.
When he started riding the school bus, that's when things got tougher. He was in the presence of older boys. When he stepped into Grade 1, I taught him another thing. To rightfully defend himself. He told me stories how some of his classmates would shove him or even hurt him in the playground. This is the time when your son has to know when to determine what rough play is and when unfair play is. So I told him "Look son, if you think you don't want to play rough games with your classmates, the school is a big place. Go somewhere else to play". Then later, he told me stories about a bigger classmate hurl a punch on him. Oops, now this is a different thing. I knew that when he gets into fist fights, the worse thing he could end up in is being expelled. We didn't want that. So, I told him to that when ever his school mate throws a punch at him, give him a quick punch back. But realize that it was not out of anger, but of rough play. He did it. He fought back. And after that, he was not harmed anymore. His schoolmate probably realized that my son ain't a bullying material.
One night, I came home from work. As I sat down on the dining table to join my family for dinner I felt that something was wrong. So I asked, "Okay, what happened?". My son started narrating that he was bullied in the school van on his way home. I said, "But I told you to fight back when someone bullies you!". He started to show tears on his eyes. He said that he did fight back but the boys held him back and he was overpowered. I asked, "Who are these boys anyway?". He went, "They are from Grades 4,5 and 6, Papa...". I was shocked. I said, "Okay, let Papa handle this one. It's alright. It was not a fair fight. Go now and eat.".
I was actually furious but I didn't want to add to the gloomy atmosphere of dinner. My wife was calm and also in bit of tears for her son's agony.
The next morning, I was on my rounds to my clients. I called the office to say that I will take a short visit to my son's school at 11:00AM. When I got to his school, I went straight to his school van. I talked to the driver to tell him that I needed to talk to the boys before the van leaves. I was quite early and had to wait a while before all the boys got aboard the van. My son was the last to get to the van. He was surprised to see me there actually.
So while my son was standing beside me at the end of van, I said, " Boys, I was told by my son that some of you here hurt him yesterday. So I have to know who of you did. Leandro, tell me who they were.". My son pointed at one of the boys. So I asked, "What did he do?". He said, "He slapped me in the face". My son was starting to cry recalling the agony he experienced. My blood was starting to boil and said, "You did that to my son? Give me your I.D. card." I tried my best to control my emotions and my volume and be calm as I could. Then I went, "Who else?". My son pointed to another boy. This boy was almost as big as I was! "What did he do?", I asked. My son said, "He kept pulling my ears and my shirt". I was so disappointed and asked for his I.D. card as well. "Who else?", I asked. "Him!", my son replied. "He punched me at the stomach" - that was the bummer. The kid was big enough to work in a warehouse. Again, I was pulling myself back and holding on to my temper. "Give me your I.D.!". My son said, "That's it, Papa.".
I took note of all their names, grade levels and sections. Then I returned their I.D. cards back to them. Then I said, "Okay you three, start praying. Because I will go to the Headmaster after this to report all of you and what happened. Pray that you will not be kicked out from this school. Your parents will most definitely be notified by the school about this. To all of you. Remember this. Bullies are actually kids who are scared of other kids. They are people who cannot pick on people their own size. So to convince themselves that they are brave and strong, they pick on smaller kids where they have more chances of winning. So remember this, Bullies are actually scared people!!".
I told my son to get on board and instructed the driver to get on his way. I went to my car, made a full report on my laptop and headed for the Office of Student Affairs. I requested my report to be printed there and they were very helpful. I signed the report. Had a copy received and off I went to back work. It was a thirty minute venture.
My son said to his Mom when he got home that day, "Mom, I had my revenge!". My son was proud of how I handled the situation. His school van's driver said later that the trip home that noon time was the most quiet drive he ever had in his whole driving career. My son was summoned the next day by the Level Coordinator to personally narrate everything including how I reprimanded the kids in the school van. He was very precise in his narration. All the kids who were involved were placed on probation - meaning that the moment a similar incident happens again would mean expulsion from school for them. Their parents were also summoned to school to be apprised of the incident and the consequence their sons will have to take.
The lesson for me here was to keep my cool and to rectify every situation in a matured and level-headed way. If one cannot control his/her emotions, then don't try to do anything until you are in a better emotional state. To tell you honestly, I would have beaten all three of them 'til all their teeth fell off - if I had my way. But the consequences for me and my son would have been much different. It would have made me the same people I despised. It would have been a conflicting example to my son and to the other boys in that van.
Your children, big or small, tough or weak, will have values that you instill on them. Bullies become bullies simply because their parents lack the proper training and guidance their children needed while growing up. So these bullies learn the hard way - and they learn it from a stranger like myself.
Xprezit
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I believe what you did was the right thing. I don't believe American crap about leaving your kid to deal with bullying problems in school. And I had almost the same situation less the physical violence when my son was picked on by several kids from a higher grade. Instead of waiting for a bullying situation to happen I immediately took things into my hands and informed the teachers and admin of the higher level suspects. Private schools are usually proactive in such situations and welcome such parental inputs and lucky for us my son's school is very proactive. So things were processed and warnings were given and it turned out for the best because my son is now good friends with those two higher grade students.
ReplyDeleteJose Antonio Custodio
Well, now I know I ain't alone. Any more comments?
ReplyDeleteNoel
Bullying has always been a problem in society. I believe that people who bully are people who cannot express themselves because they know nothing better. These are people who have been "deprived" in life and therefore find some other "outlet". It is unfortunate that they choose violence as theirs.
ReplyDeleteActually, I have always had a soft spot for the bullies that I have known as a child, as an employee, as a parent, as a citizen (oh yes, we Filipinos have been bullied by other nations since time immemorial - or haven't you guys noticed?). I believe that bullies should be pitied rather than loathed.
Children bully for a variety of reasons and when dealing with child bullying it's essential to identify who is the bully at the centre of the violence - there's usually one person who's the gang leader - but more importantly, the reasons for bullying which include:
1. Frustration - a child is impaired in some way and is frustrated and resentful because the source of their difficulty has not been identified - problems can include deafness, dyslexia, or some unidentified learning difficulty - nevertheless the child is expected to perform at a level required by the school.
2. The child is being bullied - the responsible adults have repeatedly failed in their duty of care, so the child slowly and reluctantly starts to exhibit aggressive behavior because that's the only way to survive in this bullying-entrenched climate.
3. Poor or no role-model - the child has a poor or no role model at home for one or both parents and has never had the opportunity to learn behavior skills.
4. Abuse at home - the child is being abused and is expressing their anger through bullying the child.
5. Neglect at home - the child's emotional and behavioral development is being retarded.
6. Undue influence - the child has fallen in with the wrong crowd
7. Conduct disorder - the child has a conduct disorder, the precursor to antisocial, psychopathic or other personality disorder
If a child is exhibiting bullying behaviors and IF you intercede in the right way, many child bullies - with the exception of those with a diagnosed conduct disorder - can be helped to learn to behave and interact with other children (note the operative word is IF). Children by nature are impressionable and actions by adults can be misconstrued as bullying also (like an authority figure -note that we used to feel our teachers bully us just because they are in authority).
Jun Villalon
I firmly believe a school should create an environment where children understand from the start of school that bullying, aggression and violence are not socially acceptable. A school policy may be a start. But it must be more than just words on paper, it has to be a pro-active policy, not just a statement written in a “rule book” which is opened only after an aggression incident has resulted in injury. Any anti-bullying policy or anti-bullying advice which fails to mention accountability for the bully and for the responsible adults who are failing in their duty of care is likely to meet with at best limited success. I also believe that a whole-school policy should also support both parties. The target is taught assertiveness skills (this will not solve a bullying problem but will enable a child to learn emotional and verbal self-defense) while the bully is taught how to deal with their aggression and how to interact in a socially responsible manner with other children. I feel that this positive behavior should also be part of a school’s curriculum. In fact, I would go as far as say that it should be made a requirement by the Department of Education. Unfortunately it is not a subject that can produce statistical data that the government can use to show how wonderful its education policy is. Behavioral skills, assertiveness, parenting skills, financial skills, business skills, motivational skills, success skills - key skills for a successful life and career - are conspicuously absent from our own national curriculum.
ReplyDeleteJun Villalon
I firmly believe physical punishment is inappropriate for it reinforces the bullying child's view that violence is an appropriate solution to any problem – “if you don't like what someone else is doing, it's OKAY to hit them”. A bullying child needs support, supervision, and mentoring, as well as impress upon them that violence is unacceptable. If the bullying child refuses to respond positively, then an escalating response is appropriate, including ultimately the removal of the child from the class in order to protect the rights of the majority of children who do choose to conform to the required social norms.
ReplyDeleteThe education system is still one where aggression and violence are dominant. The popular students tend to be the jocks - those with sporting prowess, especially in those activities which require physical strength. In classes, the most aggressive pupil tends to be the one around who all others cluster. This sends everyone the message that “Aggression Rules”. Those children who are non-violent, not physically strong, or physically small, are always vulnerable; their needs are often overlooked, as are their talents. But it is the non-violent children who will go on to make the biggest contribution to society.
School environments tend to be one of "exclusion" rather than "inclusion". Children are left to form their own groups or “clicks”, and you are either "in" or "out". I believe children should be taught at the outset to show dignity and respect to other children regardless of whether they are "in" or "out", and to be proactive in their relationships to other children, especially those who "do not fit in", for whatever reason. Conformity is high (if not “#1”) in the list of a child's priorities, and rejection, for whatever reason, is particularly painful. Sadly, many children do not learn the best interaction skills at home (unless maybe you have a very large and interactive family), and this is where schools can make a big difference.
However, we must give credit where credit is due. Much work has been done on addressing bullying in schools. However, much still remains to be done. A recent American research survey showed that at least half of all children enrolled in schools will be bullied inside that school. I do believe though that in the Philippines, the incidences of this happening is much higher. Bullying prevents children from undertaking their studies and results in grades which are lower than they would otherwise be which means that the school appears lower down the league tables than they otherwise would.
If a child learns how to bully, and gets away with it, there's a lot of anecdotal evidence to suggest they leave school and carry on their bullying in the workplace. So the question now is who is responsible for all this?
I think it's important not to immediately blame individuals – most especially not their teachers. There are a few bullying teachers, however most teachers are really hard-working individuals who dedicate their lives to educating the next generation. The problem, as so often, lies further up the management chain.
In conclusion, we all have a collective responsibility in this and bullying is the result of a number of factors. I believe the way forward is to identify all the factors and especially the causes. Once it has been identified, we must begin to modify our education system so that in (hopefully) 25 or 50 years time (beyond my lifetime), bullying will no longer be a problem. I believe there are no quick fixes although change, if properly implemented - and properly resourced and funded (I can dream, can’t I?) - will start to bring dividends within our lifetimes.
My two-cents…
You mean 2 dollars!!!! Hahaha
ReplyDeleteThanks!
Noel
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ReplyDelete