Many have told me that the way we were disciplined by our parents is not the effective and "correct" way for kids today. Some say that they find it too strict, or too harsh and sometimes even too brutal. But if these opinions are true, then many of us were raised the wrong way. Isn't that a simple way to put it? or...Many of us do not have the right values nor the right upbringing. Is this true?
I have been to many kiddie parties. These are occasions good parents cannot shoo away from as their children need to learn how to socialize with other kids. We can notice toddlers playing with others. Some are crying. Some are wrecking havoc to other kids and maybe even to their parents. Some just want to sit next to their parents and observe. One particular behavior that gets to me is when children do not listen or follow their parents. And when their parents keep them from going their way, they cry and make a scene.
When my son, Leandro, was two years old, his Mommy would be very careful with him. If he would insist on playing, he will get his way. If he didn't want to eat yet, he did get his way. I had to get into the picture soon by being the "bad cop". I would say "No!!" when I thought he was getting to be unreasonable. I said, "Eat now!" when he didn't want to chew up. And of course, like any other two-year old, he cried. And cried out loud he did. His Mommy couldn't disagree with me because I guess she knew the purpose. Though my heart was aching just watching my son's tears fall like rain, I had to overcome this. I had to pretend I was mad.
When Leandro was turning three years of age, he started to be selective of the food he ate. He turned down vegetables. He was starting to give his Mommy a hard time during meals. The entire lunch or dinner was like "hell on earth" for us. But I couldn't help but again...get into the picture. I would scold him and force him to eat. I would even pull him out of his seat and pretend that I would lock him inside the dark toilet. He was afraid of that. And he would cry. Soon, he found another way of getting away with eating. He would puke on his food. No problem for Daddy. I would prepare a new plate of food for him. And that "refilling" technique made him felt it was infinite. These are only some of the measures I took to properly instill discipline in Leandro. A task that was not easy for all of us.
I felt bad about giving him a hard time. I felt I was harsh many times. I really didn't want to do it but I felt I really had to. I believed it had to be done while he was young. While he was a toddler. While he was discovering who his parents were and what we were capable of doing. My Mom and Dad opposed with the way I handled the little toddler. But he was my son. To me, it was my decision.
Today, Leandro is nine years old. How time flies. He is one of the most disciplined boy we know. He knows his limits. He knows how to behave. He obeys us though he reasons out if he can. He eats as much as an adult! I guess his tummy got used to the volume of food we fed him through the years. The challenge now is how to keep him from talking while eating because it makes our meal-times longer.
My brothers and sisters even praise my son for being such a good lad. His cousins loves playing with him as he also encourage them to play well and be fair to each other. They are amazed by his ability to eat without being told to. Leandro would even complain if the food prepared for him is not so much. He goes, "Papa, this is too easy!" -looking at the irregular amount of food in front of him. He is lean and hyperactive. He jokes around without being disrespectful. He is very playful but self-disciplined.
So does the end justify the means? In this case, I would say Yes!
I was afraid that the way I raised Leandro would make him distant from me. It didn't come to that. My son and I are very close. We play together. We eat together and we appreciate each others' company. He calls me through his Mommy's cellular phone if I am irregularly late and would ask what time I would get home. He respects me as his father and enjoys my company like a friend. Leandro knows what makes us angry or disappointed so he refrains from doing those things. He can get naughty at times but that makes him what he is. A kid! A disciplined and well-mannered child.
Xprezit
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Wow, nice Sir! Enjoy blogging! You can add some tweeks pa, so you can make it more personal. Here are some parenting blogs, worth reading: http://aboutmyrecovery.com/, http://www.pinaymommy.com/, http://www.pinaymommyonline.com/, www.pinaymomblogs.com. I forgot the URLs of the dad bloggers, so yan muna, hehehe! Here's one I remember: http://fatherblogger.com/
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ReplyDeleteThis is what the research says about this subject for your readers looking for researched factual information on the subject of parenting. Parenting styles fall into a generally accepted four broad categories.
ReplyDeletehttp://theattachedfamily.com/?p=2151
Authoritarian
Authoritarian parents are very strict and controlling. They have a strong sense of justice and of the need for obedience. They’re big believers in clearly stated rules. If their kids don’t “see the light” (behave as ordered), then those teens will “feel the heat” (be punished). Such parents take a dim view of being challenged. Give-and-take with their children is discouraged.
Thus, these parents are highly demanding but not very responsive. Researchers believe children of authoritarian parents tend to be timid, have lower self-esteem, lack spontaneity, and rely to an unusual degree on the voice of authority.
Authoritative
While retaining authority and control, these parents are warmer and more communicative than Authoritarian parents. Authoritative parents seek a balance between the teens’ desire for independence and the parents’ desire to be listened to. These parents are demanding and responsive. They’re assertive but not intrusive or restrictive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible and self-regulated as well as cooperative.
The best-adjusted children, researchers have found, often have parents with an Authoritative style. Both the Authoritarian and the Authoritative parents have high expectations for their children, but the Authoritative parent encourages more freedom of expression. So the child more likely develops a sense of independence. Such kids tend to develop into more competent adults than children brought up in the other styles.
Permissive
Permissive parents, while often warm and accepting, make few demands on their children. They’re lenient, avoid confrontation, and allow considerable self-regulation. They may worry about thwarting the child’s creativity and sense of self. They’re much more responsive than they are demanding.
Sometimes the Permissive style is based on confusion. The parents are so out of touch with the pre-adolescent and adolescent world that the best they can do is to try to be a pal to their child. So they tend to give their kids what they ask for and hope that they are loved for their accommodating style.
Other Permissive parents want to compensate for what they themselves lacked as children. Perhaps they grew up in poverty and/or had parents who were overly strict. So as a result, seeing themselves as an ally to their child, these parents bend over backwards to give the child both the freedom and the material goods they lacked. Yet other Permissive parents act conditionally. They view the maturing child as a mini-adult and give him or her what he or she wants, provided the child satisfies certain parental demands. Making good grades, for example, may be linked to freedom and material benefits.
Or, at its most lax extreme, permissiveness may take the form of indifference. The parents are just too busy, poor, troubled, or self-involved to exert much control. They may give material goods and freedom in return for the child’s implicit promise not to demand much from the parent.
Uninvolved
The uninvolved parent demands almost nothing and gives almost nothing in return, except near-absolute freedom. This style is low in both demandingness and responsiveness. At its worst, it can verge into neglect.